This week Kentucky Fried Chicken was forced to close nearly half its UK shops due to “a shortage of chickens” resulting from “operational issues” experienced by its new delivery partner, DHL*.

“The chicken crossed the road, just not to our restaurants,” tweeted KFC. “I wish,” a KFC chicken might have retorted if it had access to Twitter, which is probably on its list of demands, along with any kind of natural life and a neck that isn’t about to be imminently wrung, “but as it stands, I shall end my miserable existence rotting in plastic wrap in a storage depot before being slung in a dumpster.